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Perhaps the least liked goblin in the whole Labyrinth is Bonus Eventus. The reason is that various bit of his body talk ... incessantly. His elbow (fig. i), for example, chatters on and on about the price of Kluttons' eggs (see fig. 129d and Klutton* below) and how much cheaper they used to be when the Kluttons were allowed to sell them direct to the public ... and they tasted better, but that's because of the rubbish (see below) they feed the Kluttons on nowadays ... and so on and so on .... His fist (fig. ii) is a real pain in the neck (as it were), forever threatening other goblins with foreclosing on their mortgages, or telling everyone about what they had a bath in the night before, or threatening legal procedures if they put their hands to their heads in a certain way. His croutons+ (fig. iii) sing operatic selections from all the worst goblin composers and screech abstracts from scientific journals in a language nobody understands, while his left foot (fig. iv) (as you'd expect) complains continually about being trodden on. The constant uproar that attends Bonus Eventus, wherever he goes, is deafening and exceedingly irritating, and it is not surprising that all goblins avoid him like the Plague.#
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* Klutton: The unfortunate Klutton is probably the most unlucky bird in creation. It lays an egg three times as large as itself (see Bec and Caul, page 50). The unbearably painful process is accompanied by such pathetic, heart-rending, and deafening squawks from the wretched creature that no goblin is prepared to live anywhere near a Klutton farm (except Bonus Eventus, see above). Even more unfortunate (if you happen to be a Klutton yourself) is the fact that in the natural state they lay their eggs four times a day! But there is worse to come. ... The eggs taste (faintly) of a goblin clothing material similar to worsted, which offers little gastronomic temptation to most goblins but - unfortunately for the Klutton - if the eggs are fried together in sufficient quantities (say four or five thousand at a time) and then sat on by any heavily rear-armoured goblin (such as Klunkit, on page 83) a minute quantity of hallucinogenic liquor is expressed. This liquor is esteemed so highly by goblins that they have developed intensive farming techniques for Kluttons. Klutton-farming has reached the point now where the poor Kluttons are induced to lay thirty or forty eggs a day! Farm-Kluttons become prematurely old and lose their feathers and joie de vivre within moments of birth.
In happier times, Kluttons were friendly, helpful, hardworking little birds. They managed their own affairs, kept their own accounts in order, took their eggs to market themselves (no inconsiderable feat, considering the size of the eggs) and sold them direct to the public. Some goblins believe that the degradation of the Klutton, in pursuit of the hallucinogenic liquor from its egg, was directly responsible for the Great Collapse of Good Governance in the Labyrinth (see pages 18, 62, 64, 66, 76, and 78). There have even been movements for reform, such as: the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Kluttons, the Society for the Reduction of Klutton Despair, the Royal Society for the Cheering-up of Distressed Kluttons, Ban the Klutton Farm Yesterday Action Group, and so on. Unfortunately for the Kluttons, the miserable bird eats rubbish, and no goblin government has been prepared to eradicate the wretched Klutton Farms, for fear of ending up with a refuse crisis. As I say, the Klutton must be the most unfortunate bird in creation. + Croutons: These form a portion of the goblin anatomy which has no counterpart in human anatomy. It is perhaps most like the human tonsil, but not very. # The Plague that hit the Labyrinth shortly after the Great Collapse of Good Governance was a strange one. It was a Plague of Laughter, Cackles, and Acute Sniggering. It affected some 90 percent of the goblin population, but was, fortunately, only fatal in odd cases - such as for goblins who had a Chuckle Allergy or those who kept kipper-filleting equipment in their noses. |
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Klünkit is one of the rear-armoured goblins mentioned in the previous entry (see page 82). Of course, like all rear-armoured goblins, Klünkit goes into battle backwards and is always more dangerous in retreat than attack. His inside leg measurement is unknown and - more to the point - irrelevant. |
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